My Blog

     Yesterday was the earliest time i went to bed for the last 4 to 5 months. Let say slept around 10:45pm??? Yeah… actually have not been really taking a long good rest these days. It is also a good time to do some rewinding while i am right here with my parents in Johor. During this holiday period, i would really say that i am not quite sure how to use the time and fully maximized it. Of course there are some activities going on here and there.
     Speaking about spiritual life… umm… it is my desire to walk closer and closer with Jesus every each new day. I do still on my way there and need many prayer support as well. Life is indeed not the same as when I invited God to come into my life. REason is because i know that He has good plan for me and everything that He has prepared is good for me. However sometimes, there are just certain areas where i would struggle here and there and would nag God and asked Him==> " Lord.. may i do it this way??? " I knew that i already know the answer where He refers to "No" or " be patient "
     Many a time i would walk back to Him by lowering my head with both hands in my pocket and confess that ==> Yeah Lord I have messed things up… I do feel bad and just long to spend my time alone where i can be with the nature (sea, mountains, trees or just look up the skies) and waiting for His Spirit to come and comfort and to heal my whole being. Sometimes i do take things for granted and it’s just don’t feel right.
     Each day i will pray for His mercy and grace to fall upon me and that He will change me to become a person whom He desires me to be. That is the prayer deep within me. MOving toward the area of relationship, again i would say that my heart has been rushing so much that i am struggling to wait for His Instruction and guidance. It is indeed not as easy as i thought when i prayed ==> Lord.. I invite You to write my life story. But to my own testimonies by praying this prayer.. I really say that it has been a blessed journey up to now and I thank God that even when i went wrong… His love, grace and mercy consumed me. Praise be To God for this. I also pray that the Lord will continue to guide and to help me in the area of relationship as well. Amen…

     It is almost 3 am in the morning and i am still awake. Basically have just ended the last paper of examination period. Supposedly to be happy but somehow deep inside me there is something that just causing me to step back. Thinking about exam… there is nothing i can say except my truthfulness toward the Lord that i didnt really prepare enough for it. Basically it is the period where i would call it as the reflection moment. Looking back from the time i came back from India, basically, nothing much has been done except taking time to rest and trying to read and revise the school work.

     Each time ended the paper, i would pray " Lord.. i surrender this exam to You and i do aware that i have not been preparing enough.. I thank You for Your guidance and abundance of grace that You’ve poured out. In Jesus Name i pray and give thanks.. Amen.." No doubt my spiritual life has been like "yoyo" for the last couple of days. Deep within me i just want to cry out for mercy and grace to be pour out and in such that I will be transformed more and more into His likeness.

     With the song "At The Cross" being played softly, it is just a perfect picture where it say ==> At the Cross i bow my knees; where Your blood was shed for me; There’s NO greater love than this. You have overcome the grave.. Glory fills the highest place.. what can separate me now!!!

     It is truly what i really feel at the moment. This song is just ministering to my whole being. Just awesome and so marvelous to feel His fresh touch fall upon myself. Yeah… to some extent i have been feeling pretty dry and really missing the fire of the Lord. How I long to have the constant filling of the Fire and in dwelling of His Spirit.

     Apart from that, at the moment in time i do still pray and waiting for more of the Lord’s confirmation regarding the relationship issue. I am excited to know more about it and also struggle with impatience. Yeah… I seek for strength, wisdom and the grace of the Lord regarding this issue. Amen =)

     What should i say at the mean time??? Umm… basically I’m in the midst of examination period. Feeling kinda drain off with unnecessary stuffs, habitual activities and rather moving out from the umbrella of grace. However, after listening to few worship songs such as Mighty To Save, How Great Is Our God and Rain Down==> my hearth and soul just felt so much at rest. Thank You Lord for Your fresh touch in my life again.

     About the examination.. I would say that I have not been preparing enough for it and I do feel that i could have done better. Yeah… I am actually in the midst of finding where am i comfortable to place myself in. At the moment.. what i can see myself is that i am stucked in the midst of storm on the desert. Good things that i could still imagine that i have a big ground sheet where i can cover myself from the sand and dust.

     It is not a pleasant environment i guess.. But I know that the storm will soon be ended and new beginning will start again. Indeed what i long for is to stay in the presence of the Lord Almighty. I do feel tired and want to have a good rest in His arms. Times and times again when i close my eyes, i could see a little boy that keeps on running around while the Father just open His arms and say. "son.. come here and sit with Me…"

     What a marvelous love and touch that My God the Father has.. It is also a time when i do more and more reflection on what He has done for me through out 2006. yeah.. I do still seek and ask for guidance, patience and confirmation on the girl whom i have been praying for couple of months. Indeed God is soverign.. Thank Lord Lord for loving me… (sob.. sob.. )

     Praise be to God for bringing me safely back to SG on Nov 17th. By the time the plane landed i was already filled with laughing. Reason is because before the trip i was praying and request the Lord to let the plane to reach singapore half an hour earlier than the schedule. As the plane arrived in Changi Airport, I was rushing to go to school for my GBE examination. The exam was alright and i pray that this term’s examination result will be much higher than the one before. Anyway.. All the glory be to God, because i am nothing without Him.

     As about the mission trip, It was indeed a blessed trip that i ever had so far. There were many news things that i have never met before. As an overall mission trip, it can be summarized that the Lord has given me opprtunities to pray for His children who have bone problem. Ranging from Vertebrae-Spinal Cord, Knee problems, arm problems, ear problems, back-bone problems, bone spur at hill, one blind man was having his eyes restored gradually, inbalance length of leg that after prayer become straightened. Another thing that has taken place was prophecies have come to past during the mission trip.

     Personally i was enjoying myself so much during the trip. Having chances to meet up with missionaries in India ( especially the one from Bareilly ), quite number of opportunities in ministering and worshiping, got to visit Himalayan Height and I suspected to spot on Mt.Everest. The scenery was just marvelous and incredible. Indeed our God is a great God. I just give all the glory to HIM. Amen =)

     So much to say and so much to think… I guess it’s been a super complicated days for me. Have not been really really able to get settle down and really being myself. Regarding direction and my walk with the Lord==> It’s been really really a downward journey… The problem arises from within me and I am struggling between what I want to do and what I am not supposed to do. One thing that i can say and currently what i really feel is exactly taken from the book of Romans 7:14-25 which says==> We know that the law is spiritual; bu I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what i want to do I do not do, but what i hate i do. And if i do what i do not want to do, i agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer i myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out. For what i do is not the good i want to do; no, the evil i do not want to do — this i keep on doing. Now if i do what i do not want to do, it is no longer i who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When i want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but i see another law at work in members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man i am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God–through Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a salve to the law of sin…

     Yeah… that’s the scripture from the bible that really speak of what i feel at the moment. I thank God to get to know Paul from the bible that he also speak out openly about his struggles. All i know is that decision is required out of me. I know exactly what i want and really want to do. Indeed it is not easy to overcome the carnal minded situation. All I can do and hope is in my prayer to God that He strengthens me and help me to stand firm for His glory.

     Secondly is about a girl whom i have found out that i like her. Two things that has kept me walk straight and stay focus  are my hope to walk with the Lord and secondly is really wanting to cherish her. I did hear confirmations from the Lord through His people and on my own quiet time at home. I am excited to know about the situation and also having the feeling of impatience and nervous whether she has heard anything from the Lord herself.

     As from the title shown BL45T3D ==> it simply represent blasted… i felt so heavy as if a heavy loaded stuff just dropped on my head. At this moment in time I pray for God’s help and favor and at the same time i just wish to be able to talk to her too. yeah… that’s all I have in my thought now..