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     It’s been a moody friday for me. Thing seems to move rather slow and full of bumpy roads that i need to go through. One of the headaches that i faced was the problem with my natural father. It is not easy to be in position where both parents got divorced. My heart, my mind and my personality is to be a good son to both my dad and my mom. I understood what the bible has taught me and i am more than willing to apply that teaching into my daily life.

     Things didnt seem to work that way as i started to see and hearing different opinions from both sides. As the result, i felt stuck in the middle. I got so much pressurized when my dad wants to ruin my mom’s life again. I had that experience three years ago where i almost lost my mom as my dad got into emotion and coming together with his black magic stuff.

     Indeed I can only found peace, unconditional love, full protection and comfort in God. I thank God that His grace and love have been with my siblings, mom and step father. Otherwise we would have lost much more than we could ever imagine. Yeah.. at the moment i am hoping that my dad will let my mom have her life. Then my siblings and I will still be able to maintain good communication with my natural dad as well. I was deeply hurt to hear that my dad wants to make a law suit against my step-father where personally i found no guilt in him. I was hurt because i knew it will break my mom’s heart again. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God will extend His hand to deal with this situation. It is only in Him that i can put my trust and hope upon.

     Apart from that issue, i also got caught into relationship issue where i realised i have made a mistake by taking the situation with my own strength. As the result, she felt pressurized and she didn’t really contact me recently. I am definitely having a big headache as if i just got hit by ball right on my head. Personally I really really want to be someone who can be her companion where we both could grow in the Lord, serve Him, having blessed life in Jesus Name, support one another and being part of God’s plan.

     I do have a deeper feeling toward her but i can’t describe much as i couldnt find the right time. I regreted to take things into my own hand and lost focus from God. It is my prayer and hope that God will restore and give me chance to be able to build up more understanding and therefore build the relationship together.

     yeah.. i felt really terrible for the whole friday morning till evening. It is by the grace of God that He led me in worship planning for friday night cell group and God showed up in the cell group as well. The worship was great and God was really among us. All the glory and praise be to God.

     Just to share a bit more, the afternoon worship planning was really an up-lifting moment when i heard the song AT THE CROSS by Hillsong and written by Darlene Zschech. The lyrics goes like this

At The Cross

Oh Lord You’ve searched me,

You know my way;

Even when I fail You,

I know You love me.

Verse 2:

Your holy presence

Surrounding me

In every season,

I know You love me;

I know You love me.

Chorus:

At the Cross I bow my knee,

Where Your blood was shed for me,

There’s no greater love than this.

You have overcome the grave,

Your glory fills the highest place,

What can separate me now?

Verse 3:

You go before me,

You shield my way,

Your hand upholds me;

I know You love me.

Verse 4:

And when the earth fades,

Falls from my eyes,

And You stand before me,

I know You love me;

I know You love me.

Bridge:

You tore the veil, You made a way

When You said that it is done.

     yeah.. The lyrics really speak comfort to my whole-being and really by the grace of God i could feel His comfort, warm and peace again. All the glory and honor to God. All i could do is to surrender both issues to God’s hands. I believe God is in control. Bible verse that speaks to me today is taken from Isaiah 55:8-9 ==> "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord.   "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My thoughts than your thoughts.

     God is really really a good God. He is a good Father and I thank Him for His love, care, touch, mercy and His Holy Spirit who has been my closest friend. Hallelujah!!!

     Whew… has been quite sometimes since i am writing on this blog. It’s been a roller-coaster life these few weeks. There are many ups, downs, rounds and sometimes getting rather dizzy. Thank God still surviving. Speaking about surviving, indeed in terms of spiritual lives, there were many occasions where i was greatly encouraged by the Lord in the area of ministries, guidance as well as seeing people being delivered instantly.

     This year is a year of open door and a year of breakthrough. From January up to now, it is indeed lots of miracles and breakthroughs have taken place around me. There is no word can describe how glad i was when God delivered many of my friends both in malaysia and singapore. Instant healing took place in church and meetings, bondages broken as prayers took place, moments of sour and unforgiving turned to harmonious and warmth environment in an instance. yeah.. all the glory and honor be to God…

     Personally, i have been rather laid back these few days due to some personal issue and walk with God. Again i have stepped out of the umbrella of grace. Secondly i have not been able to control my feeling and emotions. What has happened was that i exploded sometimes ago. At first i thought i couldn’t control, but after series of reflection, i discovered that i was indeed controlling myself too much and therefore i was broken into pieces.

     Being a follower of Christ has taught me many things such as not to rely on my own strength, but i have done that over past few days. I would say starting from second week of February 2007 onward. I also found myself still rather immature in the area of relationship as well. There were times i would lock myself in the room and ask God to show me how and what to do next.

      yea.. i got lost in quietness.. havent been really able to handle irresponsive message sent out. I got anxious and beginning to ignore the guidance of Holy Spirit. But one thing i must say is that God is always good and being there to bring me back to the state where He desires me to be. Longing to spend more time with the person i cherish has been one of my major focus. But i know i could not achieve that without The Lord’s permission. Many a time, things didn’t work out the way i plan.

     Sometimes deep within me i would like to express love to her but i ain’t sure when is the right time. There has been mixed feeling between==> hope, longing, fond, like, care and love <== but somehow i do not have any idea how to express to her. It is my prayer that Father God will teach me personally about this matter. I have been living without a father figure for couple of years. It is by grace that i now have a Father who is a Father to all and He is also the creator. Praise You Lord… In Jesus name. Amen..