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Hmmm… so much of learning curved for the past few months. Nothing were easy. That point in time, I was really close to have my nerve broke down as there were a few major things that totally blown me off. Again to summarize about the learning curve was all about “PATIENCE.” I really believe that God is molding my character and personality. At the same time, I also believe that I will not have made it without His strength, grace and mercy.

Indeed during this transition period, all the more I noticed that I need God all the more. One visible thing that i can share is that the more i walk on my own, the more i just got washed out and pushed out from the main plan that GOD has prepared for me. I was in the state where I could not worship God and even hold my bible because i felt unworthy. But still small voice guided and taught me to press in toward God and don’t drift further away.

At first I didnt understand why I have to face “wave by wave” of issue and learning in such a short span of time. I did cried out to GOD and shout for more grace and mercy. I was struggling so much becasue I had been moving with my own intelligent instead of moving with His wave of mercy. Currently I hope to get more rest in HIM and really walk victoriously in Christ Jesus. I pray for more great things to take place ahead and also pray for the confirmation for assurance in terms of relationship matter that I have been waiting for 9 months. I really really hope that this situation can bring in more positive energy and also the job i am doing now can be done with satisfactory result.

All these i prayed and surrender them unto our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen and Hallelujah!!!

     It’s been a whole month of situation where I have been facing the issue in regards to being patience, being obedience to God’s calling and guidance and learn to wait. Frankly speaking those are the three areas which i think very very challenging to do at the moment. As being a person who is so indulge in getting things done fast and always wanting to do things my own way, it will take a lot more effort for me to learn and understand what is it mean to wait patiently; to submit to God or even to surrender my plan so that He can guide me to the path which is a lot better for me.

     Therefore I have been "wrestling" and "bargaining" with God for the past 4 weeks. Just to share a little bit more==> Sometimes I like to hang out in the toy area and watching over the kids who are coming with their parents. I notice some of them really cling onto their father’s leg while persuading him to get the toy he wants. That is basically what i am doing with God for the past few weeks. As usual, some parents are just walking straight and telling their kids that they have a better things for them.

     This analogy actually help me to re-think and consider whether I have been obeying God and treating God as God or I am just coming to God for the needs that I have. It is also during this period that actually when i pray… God is there with me and sometimes when I ask the same questions==> He will not say anything but just smile. There were times when I ask==> Lord what is Your will and plan for me???  I didnt get to hear anymore answer actually.

     As I am becoming more and more curious, then i started to flip back my journal and see whether I have missed out anything before. Indeed I have already got the answer from Him but just that I am refusing to obey and to submit. In the end I understand that it is not that God is no longer speaking to me, but He has already spoken to me while i am not obeying.

     Finally with the heart of struggling I am surrending my plan and hopes unto Him. Strangely after that, my heart starts to feel very warm and a sense of peace just over-took me which finally leads me to the place where I am reminded about a song called BLESSED BE YOUR NAME. I realised that I have not been able to sing this song for a long time due to the bridge where it sang==> You give and take away… You give and take away… My heart will choose to say… Lord blessed be Your name…

     As I started to pick up my guitar and play the song… Actually I found myself able to worship with that song again and I am more at ease. At this point, Indeed I am still learning and of course I do know and understand that it is submitting to God is most important thing in my life that i could do. It is also my prayer that in every step I take… more of Him will be in me and by grace I will grow closer and closer to Him. Thank You Lord for being there with me ALL THE TIME. Amen

     It’s been a journey for the past few weeks. One common thing I can summarized shortly about what I have been facing is the word spelled==> WAIT PATIENTLY. There are quite number of situation where I’ve gotta wait and wait and wait. Indeed for all my life so far, it seems that I always get things pretty quick and have been carrying the mind-set of "take-it or leave-it" character. For some, they may have thought that I am very impatient type of person, to some not realistic, to some arrogant, to some will be distanced themselves from me.

     However… God has been gracious to me and supplying me with the necessary strength and peace of heart to stay low and continue to have a focus on the finish line. As much as I want to get things done quickly… the more i am facing disappointment and frustration… There were time when i prayed to God and ask for mercy and more of His grace so that things can speed up. Sounds good right???

     Actually… the situation still remain the same.. the more i struggled the more disappointed i became. But one thing i can share is that as when i am putting down less focus on getting things done… I could sense more peace rises within me and I could laugh and worship freely. Indeed I have forgotten that God is in charged and by pushing the situation around, actually I’ve not been taking Him as God afterall.

     As weird as it may seem, generally I am being led to read Psalm 55:22==> Cast your cares upon Him and He will sustain you <== What i can understand to that is to let go whatever things i am pursuing and let God. In my human thinking… of course I am telling myself that it is not me at all to let go when things do not work out. But in God’s economy and Kingdom, actually I am attaining more freedom and more satisfactory life when I am letting go and let God cares for me.

     As I was sharing with my cell group, generally I have not been able to sing the song ==> Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman <== for about one year for the fact that I can’t let go the issue of relationship to be handled by God Himself. And because of this situation, my spiritual walk is also drying up and message that being directed to me is to read on Revelations 2:1-7 where it talks about renewing my first love to God.

     It is very easy to get into routine and later on develop a serving-routine mind-set and thought that everything done is for Him. I was wrong to keep on doing that. I have forgotten that I ought to re-new my relationship constantly with God and not getting into routine by serving in worship ministry or any ministry that has been entrusted to me. I thank God that He allows me to make mistakes and as i made the mistakes, His still small voice guided me back to the track He wants me to go.

     Just happened on sunday morning I was a bit stunt during the worship practice in church. A guest speaker from the US came to the youth sanctuary and suddenly said, " Hi.. Hendrik…" and with a quick smile I said, " Hi there =)". First i was stunt because i didnt remember that I told her who i am. Secondly, even if i were to tell her my name it was happening one year ago. My friends were all amazed on how it happened in that way. After the church, I just came home and thank God that He is aware and He cares for me so much that He called me by name through the guest speaker which i hardly met.

     I was really touched and greatly encouraged by encountering all that. It’s really meant something to me. Praise God for all He’s done for me. Hallelujah =)